Kibaki and Meles on the phone

By Joe Michael | January 6, 2008

Mwai Kibaki kept calling Meles Zenawi to get his advice about the
current crisis in Kenya. The following telephone
conversation was produced based on possibilities.

Kibaki – Jambo Bana how are you doing my good friend

Meles – I am doing excellent how about you?

Kibaki – I must say I slept yesterday after almost a
week. By the way, have you received the gift I sent
you through Mr. Esipila?

Meles – Was that the Kisii Loops?

Kibaki – Yes, the Kisii Loops.

Meles – Yes, I got it and I do like it. It is a pleasing
little abstract sculpture. It unlocks stone’s inner
flow.

Kibaki – Excellent! It is made of pink and white
variegated kisii stone, a type of soapstone found only
in a small area of western Kenya. I sent you that
wishing for our union to last as long as the stone
from which the sculpture is carved stays.

Meles – Thanks; it means a lot

Kibaki – In any case my friend, I want to resume our
conversation about the oppositions effort to take me
out of the office. By the way, thank you for your
opinion. Akufaaye kwa dhiki ndiye rafiki (A friend in
need, is a friend indeed) I banned the protest. I also
delayed the election result and got sworn in
regardless of the election commission credo. Things
were getting bad and Kenya is not ready for any kind
of change. I don’t want my people to be shepherd by
someone that we don’t know what he is going to do to
us. Our democracy is in progress. We did our best to
show them that we are trying. Barabara refu haikosi
kona, nothing is perfect!

Meles – I see. What are they doing now?

Kibaki – You mean the Odinga terrorist group?

Meles – Yes

Kibaki – They are still burning the city and opposing
our decision. I sent him a personal letter urging him
to accept the defeat and to join the parliament so
that we can start talking. They insist in their
hostility and declined every offer. Don’t you think
we should refer them as a terrorist?

Meles – That will be a little difficult now. Have you
made every effort to have them join the parliament?

Kibaki – I did. We even tried to corrupt a few of them so
that they will dismantle gradually. However, they are
evil, they are united for bad! Was it this bad for you
when you had election?

Meles – Ours was a little different. The CUDP terror
group was also evilly united. We tried our best to
bring them to the parliament, but they insisted. We
fought 30 years to get where we are now. They thought
they can just get rid of us through a piece of paper.
How stupid they are!

Kibaki – That’s true. Odinga is stupid too. So what did
you do?

Meles – Our friends to the west were pretty much
convinced that we were the only qualified party to
rule the country. We didn’t waste time, and we simply
implemented plan B.

Kibaki – What was plan B?

Meles – We started bribing some of their affiliates.

Kibaki – Dawa ya moto ni moto (Send a thief to catch a
thief). Did it work?

Meles – Well, we were successful enough to hit their
left wing. They started to fall to the left, but since
the people were their backbone, we could not
completely bring them down. They survived and started
to attack us aggressively.

Kibaki – That’s evil resurrection.

Meles – I am telling you, even the war was not as
challenging as the CUDP terror group.

Kibaki – I heard most of the party leaders were highly
educated. That might be the reason.

Meles – That was one of the reasons. But I told my
party that the main reason was because we relaxed too
much. Honestly speaking, first of all why do we need
private newspapers and an opposition that wants to
choke our throat?

Kibaki – Excellent! I never looked at it that way.

Meles – Come to think of it. If we said no from the
beginning we could have avoided such resistance.

Kibaki – Correct, then what happened?

Meles – We implemented Plan C. We arrested each and
every leader and their main campaign manager. We made
it clear that we made the law so the law is us. We can
flip it, change it, or remove it any time we want to.
That is how we were able to indict them with treason
and terror. Every body said we were crazy, but

Kibaki – Hold on one second my good friend … hold on
please (Kibaki back after two minutes)

Kibaki – It was my interior minister; he is saying that
the Odinga terror group is now asking for new election

Meles – That is against constitution and anybody who is
against constitution commits treason

Kibaki – Are you saying …

Meles – I don’t want to involve deeply, but I think
Kenya knows better than that. A handful of people can’t
threaten the foundation of your government. I was once
told by fellow comrades to eliminate main opposition
leaders. But that was impossible because their root
was buried deep in to the public. So, we rather
arrested them, closed their office, and banned them
from gathering. We are now doing our best to switch
the people’s mind to other issues so that the election
issue would be behind us.

Kibaki – Udongo uwahi umaji (I have to strike the iron
while it’s hot!) Ngoja ngoja huumiza matumbo (Wait
wait hurts the entrails). Thank you for your help my
good friend. I think now I know what to do.

Meles – Remember, this is Africa. Law is you and you
can make the law take a break. We are always by your
side if you need our help.

Kibaki- Bora! Asante ndugu (excellent, thank you
brother)

Meles – Anytime, call me when you need me.

Kibaki – Asante.